Much to the good Doctor's surprise, there's still somebody out there who occasionally looks at this little slice of Internet hell. The truth is, I had no idea anybody was still paying attention and hadn't thought about the "good old days" when I was miserable but had tons of funny stories about the people that contributed to that misery in quite some time. Since there is someone peeking in, at least once in a while (and since she happens to be an incredibly beautiful woman), I figured maybe it was time to give this thing another go.
Now, I'm entirely too tired to grace this page with funny little Office-Space type stories, but thankfully there have been plenty of other technical traumas over the last few months that I can use for a cheap, quick, painless update.
You see, I've continued doing the whole online dating thing and it's been one comedic disaster after another. I'm not going to go into any long stories about the online interactions that actually became dates, because those are funny on their own and I want to keep this one quick. Instead, I'm just gonna go with a few one liners that, while disturbing, are still kind of funny. You see, this dating site has an IM feature. I'm not a paying member, so I can't send emails or IMs, or read any of my emails. Really, the only thing I can do is receive IMs from people who actually pony up the $30 a month for "premium" membership. It seems as though the women who pay tend to be of the slightly crazy variety, and lo and behold, those are the ones who are attracted to me. Some of the messages I get aren't bad...a simple "hi" that turns into a conversation, which may or may not lead to a date. Others, though, are so mind-numbingly bizarre that they need to be immortalized somewhere, and what better place than the Trauma Center (after all, IMs are tech related...sorta).
Most of these IM "sessions" were closed without a response, either because of disgust, confusion or the simple fact that I couldn't think of a suitably horrific response.
Weird IM #1 (from a rather attractive 26 year-old): "Would you be open to starting with a one-night stand and seeing where things go from there?"
*um, no thank you, but hi, I'm Dr. Nerd...
Weird IM #2 (from a less attractive 25 year-old): "Would you be open to a tresemme?"
*I thought she meant shampoo, and before I could respond with a "WTF" (the only suitable response), she made it clear that she simply couldn't spell "threesome," by explaining to me that the kind with 2 girls is better than the one with 2 guys (I never would have guessed).
Weird IM #3 (from an unattractive, yet extremely well endowed blonde): "So, do you like my boobs?"
*This one, I actually responded to...told her I hadn't looked, at which point she informed me that they were real, spectacular (ripping off Seinfeld I believe) and would look great bouncing up and down in my bed. I would have continued the conversation had I not realized just how unattractive the rest of her was.
Weird IM #4 (from a girl I'm convinced was once a guy): "You look like you're well hung...am I right?"
*I couldn't help but wonder how many other guys she had IMd with that and if any of them were desperate enough to respond.
Weird IM #5 (from one that didn't seem so bad at first): "I just saw you at Duane Reade on [insert address here]...you're cute"
*As with #3, I responded...asked her why, if she thought I was cute and just saw me IN REAL LIFE, she wouldn't talk to me and would instead try to find me immediately on the Internet (she didn't have an answer to that question)
Weird IM #6 (I don't have any recollection of who this one was from): "Where do you live. Can I come over?"
*I thought about giving her my friend's address, just as a goof, but ignored it instead.
Not so lucky #7 (this was probably just one of my friends playing a joke on me): "Ur cuuuuuuuute...I want u to hav my babees."
*Putting aside her obvious issues with our language, I decided to focus on the logical issues with this statement. Now, I'm no biology major (despite being a doctor), but I'm pretty sure it's girls that have babies, not boys.
That's all I've got for now. In the coming days, I shall try to dig up some actual funny shit from the "archives." Worst case scenario, I'll go to some dating stories (when online dating is taken into the real world, things can get scary). I've got one that's actually somewhat topical with the upcoming release of the new Harry Potter movie...
Monday, July 6, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
A Surprise in the DVD Player
My company gradually upgraded its non-essential technology. Over the years, we got TVs in the conference rooms, moved from VCRs to DVD players and added other nice touches to make us seem like a real company. Every time we got a new piece of "common" tech, I begged the powers that be to have a mandatory training session, figuring it would save me a lot of time and agony, but they always refused.
One very lovely morning had me paged to the conference room to help a group work the semi-new DVD player. When I got there, I was told they weren't sure what was wrong, but that they knew it wasn't the obvious...dead batteries in the remote, since they had replaced them before calling me. Figuring it was an issue with the player itself, I opened the cabinet, plugged it in and asked for the disc as it was powering up. Disc in hand, I pressed eject and as I was preparing to drop in the DVD with the presentation video, I noticed there was something already inside...a copy of "Young Wet Bitches 46" (not 100% sure on the title, but it was definitely an adult film). I had no idea what to do with the contraband, so I just left it on the shelf next to the player, figuring whoever it belonged to would eventually reclaim his skin flick. Got them set up and went back to work as they were hunkering down to watch their video. When I sat down and tried to start working again, I was distracted by three important but strange questions:
1. To whom did this porno belong?
2. Which chairs in the conference room can I never, ever sit in again?
3. Why part 46? What was so good about this one that my distinguished colleague chose it over any of the first 45 volumes in this undoubtedly epic series. I mean the Godfather only got 3 parts, Star Wars got 6...Young Wet Bitches must be quite the masterpiece if it's on part 46 (and counting).
One very lovely morning had me paged to the conference room to help a group work the semi-new DVD player. When I got there, I was told they weren't sure what was wrong, but that they knew it wasn't the obvious...dead batteries in the remote, since they had replaced them before calling me. Figuring it was an issue with the player itself, I opened the cabinet, plugged it in and asked for the disc as it was powering up. Disc in hand, I pressed eject and as I was preparing to drop in the DVD with the presentation video, I noticed there was something already inside...a copy of "Young Wet Bitches 46" (not 100% sure on the title, but it was definitely an adult film). I had no idea what to do with the contraband, so I just left it on the shelf next to the player, figuring whoever it belonged to would eventually reclaim his skin flick. Got them set up and went back to work as they were hunkering down to watch their video. When I sat down and tried to start working again, I was distracted by three important but strange questions:
1. To whom did this porno belong?
2. Which chairs in the conference room can I never, ever sit in again?
3. Why part 46? What was so good about this one that my distinguished colleague chose it over any of the first 45 volumes in this undoubtedly epic series. I mean the Godfather only got 3 parts, Star Wars got 6...Young Wet Bitches must be quite the masterpiece if it's on part 46 (and counting).
Friday, January 30, 2009
I want to watch the Internet on TV
It can be incredibly difficult trying to help people understand how individual pieces of technology come together to form a system and what role each piece plays in the system.
My presence was requested in a conference room by one of the older folks, who needed my technical wizardry. I walked in to find him sitting at the table, staring at the TV which was turned on, but showing a blank screen. He had a keyboard and mouse (which I later found out were taken from another conference room) on the table in front of him and explained to me that he needed to "get the Internet on this TV, but it wasn't working." I grabbed the remote for the TV, checked the input settings and everything seemed set up properly. Equal parts impressed and surprised that he had gotten this far on his own, I told him it was likely an issue with the computer, but it should be fixable, at which point, he completely blew my mind. He looked at me, and said, in complete seriousness, "what computer?" Unbeknownst to me, they had taken the computer out of this room, and decided to use the TV only for watching videos.
I tried, very hard, to explain that the Internet is data, that you need something to process this data, which is usually a computer, and that it's impossible to "get the Internet" on a TV by itself. I told him that the other 3 conference rooms all had computers with TVs, and that we could very easily set him up in one of those. He looked at me disappointedly and explained that he really wanted to use this particular room. My curiosity now piqued, I asked what was so special about this room, at which point he told me he liked this TV better than the others (I should point out that 2 of the other 3 rooms had TVs that were identical to this one). Rather than risk an aneurysm by trying to have a logical discussion, I gave him 2 options...we could either take the tv and switch it with one of the other (identical) sets and he could use one of the other rooms, or I could get a computer and hook it up to the TV temporarily so he could use "his" TV in this conference room. He sat there contemplating these options for a good minute or 2 before asking me what I thought would be best. My back was a little sore, so I went and got a laptop to hook up to the TV. Figured it would be a lot easier than carrying a 36" set across the office.
In hindsight, I probably should have suggested moving TVs, gotten hurt and gone on disability for a few months...would have been a really nice break.
My presence was requested in a conference room by one of the older folks, who needed my technical wizardry. I walked in to find him sitting at the table, staring at the TV which was turned on, but showing a blank screen. He had a keyboard and mouse (which I later found out were taken from another conference room) on the table in front of him and explained to me that he needed to "get the Internet on this TV, but it wasn't working." I grabbed the remote for the TV, checked the input settings and everything seemed set up properly. Equal parts impressed and surprised that he had gotten this far on his own, I told him it was likely an issue with the computer, but it should be fixable, at which point, he completely blew my mind. He looked at me, and said, in complete seriousness, "what computer?" Unbeknownst to me, they had taken the computer out of this room, and decided to use the TV only for watching videos.
I tried, very hard, to explain that the Internet is data, that you need something to process this data, which is usually a computer, and that it's impossible to "get the Internet" on a TV by itself. I told him that the other 3 conference rooms all had computers with TVs, and that we could very easily set him up in one of those. He looked at me disappointedly and explained that he really wanted to use this particular room. My curiosity now piqued, I asked what was so special about this room, at which point he told me he liked this TV better than the others (I should point out that 2 of the other 3 rooms had TVs that were identical to this one). Rather than risk an aneurysm by trying to have a logical discussion, I gave him 2 options...we could either take the tv and switch it with one of the other (identical) sets and he could use one of the other rooms, or I could get a computer and hook it up to the TV temporarily so he could use "his" TV in this conference room. He sat there contemplating these options for a good minute or 2 before asking me what I thought would be best. My back was a little sore, so I went and got a laptop to hook up to the TV. Figured it would be a lot easier than carrying a 36" set across the office.
In hindsight, I probably should have suggested moving TVs, gotten hurt and gone on disability for a few months...would have been a really nice break.
It Smells Like Burning...
I promised more work stuff, and here we go.
In my years as a wannabe IT guy, I've learned a lot. One of the more important lessons is that when you encounter a burning smell and see smoke coming from a computer, it's always bad. It's also always the result of either something bad, something stupid or something stupid that causes something bad. I've had a few "smoke issues" over the years, but one really stands out...
I was at my desk, doing some work when a colleague ran in and told me she was having a computer emergency and really needed my help. I was busy, but out IT guy had been out drinking the night before and had "called in sick," so I was semi-obligated. Asked her what the problem was and she responded that it "smelled like burning" (not sure if she was intentionally quoting Ralph Wiggum, but it was funny for about 6 seconds). I walked back to her desk with her and started smelling the "burning" from about 20 feet away.
Realizing that everything was still plugged in and on, with smoke starting to come from the back of her computer, I yanked the power strip from the wall. This was something that really seemed to upset her, as she was now going to have to "re-program" the clock radio on her desk. I told her that if everything was plugged in, it was dangerous, and that I'd re-program the clock for her once I fixed the major problem.
Reached under the desk to pull the computer out, but it was too hot to touch. Not wanting to waste any more time, I started to slide it out with my feet. Didn't even need to pull it all the way out to realize what had caused the problem. My lovely, well intentioned colleague had jammed a pen into the back of her case, in between the blades on the fan, stopping it and causing the power supply to overheat. I asked if she had done this and she explained that she had, because there was an annoying noise coming from the back of the computer, and that when she put the pen in, it stopped making the noise.
As I was waiting for the machine to cool off enough that I could pull out the pen, I tried explaining that the noise was coming from the computer's fan. She very calmly told me that the fan must not have been working, because it was making all that noise, but not cooling her off at all. Thinking it would be rude to bang my head on her desk while she's there, I tried to control my rage and started explaining that computers have "stuff" inside them that gets hot when it runs, and that you needed to have a fan to help circulate the air and keep this "stuff" from overheating. Her blank stare told me I had just introduced concepts that were way over her head, but I had to try. I pulled out the pen, which had half melted and was leaking ink all over the place. Since our IT guy was out, I couldn't get a new power supply, so I set up an old machine from an empty office to keep her operational until we could get the new part, re-programmed the clock and got back to work.
When the IT guy returned to work (3 days later), I explained the situation to him and he ordered the PS with overnight shipping. He was out again the next day (either strung out or hung over), but when it came, I installed it, cleaned everything else up and got her up and running. Tested everything and went back to my actual job, but not before taking every pen, pencil and other object small enough to stick inside the power supply away from her. Despite what had just gone on, I had little faith that she wouldn't try it again. She also leaves her computer on all night...can only imagine what would have happened if it had started to "smell like burning" after hours.
My desk was around the corner and probably 50 feet down the hall from her. As I was sitting back down, I heard her turn the radio back on and started to wonder how she was annoyed by the fan when she's listening the Backstreet Boys at maximum volume.
In my years as a wannabe IT guy, I've learned a lot. One of the more important lessons is that when you encounter a burning smell and see smoke coming from a computer, it's always bad. It's also always the result of either something bad, something stupid or something stupid that causes something bad. I've had a few "smoke issues" over the years, but one really stands out...
I was at my desk, doing some work when a colleague ran in and told me she was having a computer emergency and really needed my help. I was busy, but out IT guy had been out drinking the night before and had "called in sick," so I was semi-obligated. Asked her what the problem was and she responded that it "smelled like burning" (not sure if she was intentionally quoting Ralph Wiggum, but it was funny for about 6 seconds). I walked back to her desk with her and started smelling the "burning" from about 20 feet away.
Realizing that everything was still plugged in and on, with smoke starting to come from the back of her computer, I yanked the power strip from the wall. This was something that really seemed to upset her, as she was now going to have to "re-program" the clock radio on her desk. I told her that if everything was plugged in, it was dangerous, and that I'd re-program the clock for her once I fixed the major problem.
Reached under the desk to pull the computer out, but it was too hot to touch. Not wanting to waste any more time, I started to slide it out with my feet. Didn't even need to pull it all the way out to realize what had caused the problem. My lovely, well intentioned colleague had jammed a pen into the back of her case, in between the blades on the fan, stopping it and causing the power supply to overheat. I asked if she had done this and she explained that she had, because there was an annoying noise coming from the back of the computer, and that when she put the pen in, it stopped making the noise.
As I was waiting for the machine to cool off enough that I could pull out the pen, I tried explaining that the noise was coming from the computer's fan. She very calmly told me that the fan must not have been working, because it was making all that noise, but not cooling her off at all. Thinking it would be rude to bang my head on her desk while she's there, I tried to control my rage and started explaining that computers have "stuff" inside them that gets hot when it runs, and that you needed to have a fan to help circulate the air and keep this "stuff" from overheating. Her blank stare told me I had just introduced concepts that were way over her head, but I had to try. I pulled out the pen, which had half melted and was leaking ink all over the place. Since our IT guy was out, I couldn't get a new power supply, so I set up an old machine from an empty office to keep her operational until we could get the new part, re-programmed the clock and got back to work.
When the IT guy returned to work (3 days later), I explained the situation to him and he ordered the PS with overnight shipping. He was out again the next day (either strung out or hung over), but when it came, I installed it, cleaned everything else up and got her up and running. Tested everything and went back to my actual job, but not before taking every pen, pencil and other object small enough to stick inside the power supply away from her. Despite what had just gone on, I had little faith that she wouldn't try it again. She also leaves her computer on all night...can only imagine what would have happened if it had started to "smell like burning" after hours.
My desk was around the corner and probably 50 feet down the hall from her. As I was sitting back down, I heard her turn the radio back on and started to wonder how she was annoyed by the fan when she's listening the Backstreet Boys at maximum volume.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I'm baaaaaaaaack...for now
Much has happened in the life of the good doctor since I attempted to bid you both farewell so many months ago. ECB has gone away and is but a horrible memory. The bachelor pad / nerd cave is up and running, although not reeking of as much awesomeness as I had hoped (the ginormous TV is wonderful though). The job that brought such misery and so much great material is also in the rearview, as I left for what seemed like greener pastures. Unfortunately, it sucks almost as much as the other place, but for entirely different reasons. Everyone at the new place is as nerdy as the doc, so there have been no good new stories since I left. On the bright side, the stuff in the archives is plentiful, and I thought it best to stop depriving both of you of a couple of cheap laughs.
Before coming back to technical traumas of the corporate kind though, I've started to realize that the technological revolution we've witnessed over the last couple of years has made dating very different from what it was the last time I tried and failed (failed, of course, being when I asked ECB to marry me). Some of these changes are for the better...being able to text instead of having an actual conversation, dating on the Intarwebs and the opportunity to stalk potential dates on facebook before going out with them are all wonderful, welcome changes. Of course, this progress has made the whole horrible process a lot more complicated, and enabled some rather unpleasant side effects. It is with this in mind that I bring you two quick little ditties from my last six months in romantic purgatory. You see, recognizing his inability to meet women in real life, the Doctor decided to join a dating website that caters to people like him (jews, not geeky, sarcastic assholes). Some of the resulting dates sucked less than others and a few, including one that happened rather recently, were actually pretty good. These, on the other hand, are two of the far crappier examples of what has happened since I left you.
1: Apparently stalking can work both ways, and it's not nearly as much fun as I thought...
The Doctor was "approached" via the website by what appeared to be a rather attractive young lass from another neighborhood in his newly adopted hometown. Initial conversation was interesting, and she even seemed somewhat normal. We went out and all was not as it seemed. Thankfully, she wasn't a guy (as far as I could tell), but she was completely mental. There was no follow-up call, text or email on my part, mainly because this whack job was sending them in clusters. I tried to ignore them, but the sheer volume was so overwhelming that I made the mistake of responding to every 20th message, making sure to avoid replying to anything that made mention of what would have been an absolutely awful second date. Eventually, I told her I was moving to the other side of the country for my awesome new job (that part was sort of true...it was an extended visit). She asked if she'd ever see me again and I told her I wasn't sure when I'd be back, so she should probably not wait around. While I was on leave, the texts, emails, facebook messages and phone calls went through the roof. I'd be sitting in the office in the middle of the day and start receiving emails from her with pictures showing various states of undress, providing further evidence that this broad was crazier than I thought. Couldn't muster up much of a response, other than the less than trying to not-so-subtly suggest I wasn't interested, but she never seemed to be able to take the hint. One such lovely day saw my presence required at a morning meeting that ran a little more than four hours. When I got back to my desk and checked my personal email account, I had 160 new messages - 2 mass mails, one from a friend and 157 from her, meaning she had gone from just nuts to the new realm of completely batshit crazy.
After a few more triple digit days, I decided to tell her that the higher ups at my company wanted me to stay there a lot longer than expected, possibly forever at which point she suggested coming out to visit me. At this point, my head started to hurt, so I told her it was a bad idea, but that if I ever came back to the other coast, I might call her, but that she shouldn't wait around since it seemed like this was going to be permanent. I then proceeded to block her from every method of electronic communication and thanked my lucky stars I was able to put personality ahead of looks for once. Six months later, I still get the occasional email from her (every time I block one address, she gets a new one), asking if anything has changed and if she's ever going to see me again. This odd attraction to yours truly would be evidence enough of her obvious mental problems, but there's so much more. The worst part of the whole thing...she's a teacher. I shed a tear for the youth of America every time I think about her.
2: The "pimping" of the Blackberry and the horrors that went with it...
After the first date from hell with the whack job above, I decided to move on as quickly as possible. Met a lovely young lass, very cute, semi-smart, in grad school for a profession I didn't really respect, but the positives far outweighed the negatives. We had about a half-dozen dates before my adventure on the other coast, and agreed that we'd re-evaluate the situation when I got back. One night, just before my departure, a few of my lovely friends decided to have "leave and don't come back" party for me (after 2 previous "going away" parties...any excuse to drink), at which point they made it their mission to prove to me that bar girls were far superior to these online women I was trying to reel in. They just about started throwing drunk chicks at me, which was a little disturbing, but had its fun moments as well. I ended up chatting with a little cutie who had just moved here. As an added bonus, she was part of the tribe. She was very drunk and a little annoying, so naturally, it led nowhere. A month later, I returned from my adventure and picked things up with lovely young lass. Things went well for another half-dozen or so dates, until she cancelled one because she has a bad allergy attack. She came over the next day because she needed me to "pimp out" her new blackberry. Since I was the "cutest geek she knew," she wanted my help. While I'm pimping, she grabbed my laptop and decided to play on facebook for a while, showing me pictures, including one of her with annoying cutie from the leave and don't come back party, who turned out to be her cousin. I told her the cousin looked familiar, and mentioned that a friend of mine had tried picking her up at the bar before I went away. She asked about the friend, I described, and she told me that he had no chance, since she only dates jewish guys, but that I "probably could have done her, since she's a giant slut." Not exactly the kind of thing I wanted to hear from the girl I was seeing, but interesting nonetheless. While setting up her inboxes, I noticed a text from some guy saying that last night (when she was apparently too sick to go out with me) was awesome. We weren't exclusive or anything, but she could have just told me that she had other plans, even plans with another guy. She was pretending to cough every few minutes, to keep up the whole allergies thing, so I "accidentally" deleted my info from her address book and removed a bunch of the texts I had sent her (wouldn't want the other guys she's seeing to read that stuff). Finished the pimping and sent her on her way. A couple of days later, I sent her a quick note saying that I had been thinking about what she said, about doing her cousin, and asked for the cousin's number. Surprisingly enough, she gave it to me without question...never used it, and never spoke to her again after that. Given how things went the entire time we dated, it seemed like the most appropriate way to end things.
Back to funny work stories soon...I promise.
Before coming back to technical traumas of the corporate kind though, I've started to realize that the technological revolution we've witnessed over the last couple of years has made dating very different from what it was the last time I tried and failed (failed, of course, being when I asked ECB to marry me). Some of these changes are for the better...being able to text instead of having an actual conversation, dating on the Intarwebs and the opportunity to stalk potential dates on facebook before going out with them are all wonderful, welcome changes. Of course, this progress has made the whole horrible process a lot more complicated, and enabled some rather unpleasant side effects. It is with this in mind that I bring you two quick little ditties from my last six months in romantic purgatory. You see, recognizing his inability to meet women in real life, the Doctor decided to join a dating website that caters to people like him (jews, not geeky, sarcastic assholes). Some of the resulting dates sucked less than others and a few, including one that happened rather recently, were actually pretty good. These, on the other hand, are two of the far crappier examples of what has happened since I left you.
1: Apparently stalking can work both ways, and it's not nearly as much fun as I thought...
The Doctor was "approached" via the website by what appeared to be a rather attractive young lass from another neighborhood in his newly adopted hometown. Initial conversation was interesting, and she even seemed somewhat normal. We went out and all was not as it seemed. Thankfully, she wasn't a guy (as far as I could tell), but she was completely mental. There was no follow-up call, text or email on my part, mainly because this whack job was sending them in clusters. I tried to ignore them, but the sheer volume was so overwhelming that I made the mistake of responding to every 20th message, making sure to avoid replying to anything that made mention of what would have been an absolutely awful second date. Eventually, I told her I was moving to the other side of the country for my awesome new job (that part was sort of true...it was an extended visit). She asked if she'd ever see me again and I told her I wasn't sure when I'd be back, so she should probably not wait around. While I was on leave, the texts, emails, facebook messages and phone calls went through the roof. I'd be sitting in the office in the middle of the day and start receiving emails from her with pictures showing various states of undress, providing further evidence that this broad was crazier than I thought. Couldn't muster up much of a response, other than the less than trying to not-so-subtly suggest I wasn't interested, but she never seemed to be able to take the hint. One such lovely day saw my presence required at a morning meeting that ran a little more than four hours. When I got back to my desk and checked my personal email account, I had 160 new messages - 2 mass mails, one from a friend and 157 from her, meaning she had gone from just nuts to the new realm of completely batshit crazy.
After a few more triple digit days, I decided to tell her that the higher ups at my company wanted me to stay there a lot longer than expected, possibly forever at which point she suggested coming out to visit me. At this point, my head started to hurt, so I told her it was a bad idea, but that if I ever came back to the other coast, I might call her, but that she shouldn't wait around since it seemed like this was going to be permanent. I then proceeded to block her from every method of electronic communication and thanked my lucky stars I was able to put personality ahead of looks for once. Six months later, I still get the occasional email from her (every time I block one address, she gets a new one), asking if anything has changed and if she's ever going to see me again. This odd attraction to yours truly would be evidence enough of her obvious mental problems, but there's so much more. The worst part of the whole thing...she's a teacher. I shed a tear for the youth of America every time I think about her.
2: The "pimping" of the Blackberry and the horrors that went with it...
After the first date from hell with the whack job above, I decided to move on as quickly as possible. Met a lovely young lass, very cute, semi-smart, in grad school for a profession I didn't really respect, but the positives far outweighed the negatives. We had about a half-dozen dates before my adventure on the other coast, and agreed that we'd re-evaluate the situation when I got back. One night, just before my departure, a few of my lovely friends decided to have "leave and don't come back" party for me (after 2 previous "going away" parties...any excuse to drink), at which point they made it their mission to prove to me that bar girls were far superior to these online women I was trying to reel in. They just about started throwing drunk chicks at me, which was a little disturbing, but had its fun moments as well. I ended up chatting with a little cutie who had just moved here. As an added bonus, she was part of the tribe. She was very drunk and a little annoying, so naturally, it led nowhere. A month later, I returned from my adventure and picked things up with lovely young lass. Things went well for another half-dozen or so dates, until she cancelled one because she has a bad allergy attack. She came over the next day because she needed me to "pimp out" her new blackberry. Since I was the "cutest geek she knew," she wanted my help. While I'm pimping, she grabbed my laptop and decided to play on facebook for a while, showing me pictures, including one of her with annoying cutie from the leave and don't come back party, who turned out to be her cousin. I told her the cousin looked familiar, and mentioned that a friend of mine had tried picking her up at the bar before I went away. She asked about the friend, I described, and she told me that he had no chance, since she only dates jewish guys, but that I "probably could have done her, since she's a giant slut." Not exactly the kind of thing I wanted to hear from the girl I was seeing, but interesting nonetheless. While setting up her inboxes, I noticed a text from some guy saying that last night (when she was apparently too sick to go out with me) was awesome. We weren't exclusive or anything, but she could have just told me that she had other plans, even plans with another guy. She was pretending to cough every few minutes, to keep up the whole allergies thing, so I "accidentally" deleted my info from her address book and removed a bunch of the texts I had sent her (wouldn't want the other guys she's seeing to read that stuff). Finished the pimping and sent her on her way. A couple of days later, I sent her a quick note saying that I had been thinking about what she said, about doing her cousin, and asked for the cousin's number. Surprisingly enough, she gave it to me without question...never used it, and never spoke to her again after that. Given how things went the entire time we dated, it seemed like the most appropriate way to end things.
Back to funny work stories soon...I promise.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Goodnight and good luck
It is with a heavy heart that I must now bid you, my fair readers (both of you) farewell. This is something I have been contemplating for a while now, and Dr. Nerd's Technical Trauma Center will be closing (at least temporarily...) There are two reasons for such an untimely end to my tribute to the techno-stupidity of others:
I've become obsolete. As I had mentioned in a prior post, we recently hired a new IT guy who is a god among geeks. Everything around the office is starting to work the way they describe it in the manuals, and he's restricting our access in ways that only the most blazing idiots could screw up badly enough that they'd require help. Unlike those who held this position before him though, this guy is actually qualified and my dear colleagues are coming to me less and less with their questions and problems. I'm starting to realize that the archives will only get me so far and eventually, I'm going to need some new material.
More important than this though, is something I'm terribly ashamed to admit. Doctor Nerd, savior of the clueless masses (who enjoys laughing at them behind their backs), has been beaten. It pains me to type this, but I have fallen to the forces of evil and stupidity. This happened a few days ago and I've been broken up about it ever since...so much so that even my new favorite co-worker setting me up with her (very attractive) nice little Jewish girl friend hasn't been enough to vanquish the thought of this failure from my mind.
One of my colleagues (a repeat offender) called me to see if I could come help her with something. She was getting very angry and close to throwing "this damn computer" out her window (odd, since this particular co-worker doesn't have a window). I went over, figuring it would be something amusingly, innocently dumb that I could share with you. However, what I found was something way over my head. She was working on an enormous spreadsheet, copying data from one workbook to another. When clicking on a cell in the destination workbook, however, it was opening up a blank email addressed to various people whose names were in the first workbook. I figured she was somehow hyperlinking cells in her destination sheet to email addresses in the origin sheet, but was concerned by the randomness of the addresses and the fact that the "mailto" function was being put into what seemed like miscellaneous cells - there was no pattern to speak of. I had her send me the workbook so I could do a quick zeroing out of the formatting, which is supposed to remove the hyperlinks. It worked, but 4 minutes after I gave it back to her, she called again in a panic. Apparently copying one additional set of fields over put ALL of the random links back. I took a look at the original book but couldn't see anything there. Even google was of no use to me in figuring this out. I never thought I'd see the day when I was truly, completely, hopelessly stumped, but it has happened and I feel that continuing under the Dr. Nerd moniker would be akin to fraud. At best, I should be demoted to "Med Student Nerd" or something equally degrading.
So with this, I bid you all farewell.
Shalom Beeotches!!!!!
I've become obsolete. As I had mentioned in a prior post, we recently hired a new IT guy who is a god among geeks. Everything around the office is starting to work the way they describe it in the manuals, and he's restricting our access in ways that only the most blazing idiots could screw up badly enough that they'd require help. Unlike those who held this position before him though, this guy is actually qualified and my dear colleagues are coming to me less and less with their questions and problems. I'm starting to realize that the archives will only get me so far and eventually, I'm going to need some new material.
More important than this though, is something I'm terribly ashamed to admit. Doctor Nerd, savior of the clueless masses (who enjoys laughing at them behind their backs), has been beaten. It pains me to type this, but I have fallen to the forces of evil and stupidity. This happened a few days ago and I've been broken up about it ever since...so much so that even my new favorite co-worker setting me up with her (very attractive) nice little Jewish girl friend hasn't been enough to vanquish the thought of this failure from my mind.
One of my colleagues (a repeat offender) called me to see if I could come help her with something. She was getting very angry and close to throwing "this damn computer" out her window (odd, since this particular co-worker doesn't have a window). I went over, figuring it would be something amusingly, innocently dumb that I could share with you. However, what I found was something way over my head. She was working on an enormous spreadsheet, copying data from one workbook to another. When clicking on a cell in the destination workbook, however, it was opening up a blank email addressed to various people whose names were in the first workbook. I figured she was somehow hyperlinking cells in her destination sheet to email addresses in the origin sheet, but was concerned by the randomness of the addresses and the fact that the "mailto" function was being put into what seemed like miscellaneous cells - there was no pattern to speak of. I had her send me the workbook so I could do a quick zeroing out of the formatting, which is supposed to remove the hyperlinks. It worked, but 4 minutes after I gave it back to her, she called again in a panic. Apparently copying one additional set of fields over put ALL of the random links back. I took a look at the original book but couldn't see anything there. Even google was of no use to me in figuring this out. I never thought I'd see the day when I was truly, completely, hopelessly stumped, but it has happened and I feel that continuing under the Dr. Nerd moniker would be akin to fraud. At best, I should be demoted to "Med Student Nerd" or something equally degrading.
So with this, I bid you all farewell.
Shalom Beeotches!!!!!
Monday, April 14, 2008
New hires + the old guard = hillarity ensuing
We recently enhanced our staff with the addition (or promotion) of a former intern. She just graduated, seems very bright, motivated and enthusiastic. After accepting our offer, she promptly changed her instant messenger screen name to something appropriate and sent an email around to the staff letting us know that her old name was no longer active. She got a reply from one of the old timers, who took a liking to her during the internship, congratulating her and asking what a screen name was...
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