Whoda Thunk It...

Much to the good Doctor's surprise, there's still somebody out there who occasionally looks at this little slice of Internet hell. The truth is, I had no idea anybody was still paying attention and hadn't thought about the "good old days" when I was miserable but had tons of funny stories about the people that contributed to that misery in quite some time. Since there is someone peeking in, at least once in a while (and since she happens to be an incredibly beautiful woman), I figured maybe it was time to give this thing another go.

Now, I'm entirely too tired to grace this page with funny little Office-Space type stories, but thankfully there have been plenty of other technical traumas over the last few months that I can use for a cheap, quick, painless update.

You see, I've continued doing the whole online dating thing and it's been one comedic disaster after another. I'm not going to go into any long stories about the online interactions that actually became dates, because those are funny on their own and I want to keep this one quick. Instead, I'm just gonna go with a few one liners that, while disturbing, are still kind of funny. You see, this dating site has an IM feature. I'm not a paying member, so I can't send emails or IMs, or read any of my emails. Really, the only thing I can do is receive IMs from people who actually pony up the $30 a month for "premium" membership. It seems as though the women who pay tend to be of the slightly crazy variety, and lo and behold, those are the ones who are attracted to me. Some of the messages I get aren't bad...a simple "hi" that turns into a conversation, which may or may not lead to a date. Others, though, are so mind-numbingly bizarre that they need to be immortalized somewhere, and what better place than the Trauma Center (after all, IMs are tech related...sorta).

Most of these IM "sessions" were closed without a response, either because of disgust, confusion or the simple fact that I couldn't think of a suitably horrific response.


Weird IM #1 (from a rather attractive 26 year-old): "Would you be open to starting with a one-night stand and seeing where things go from there?"
*um, no thank you, but hi, I'm Dr. Nerd...


Weird IM #2 (from a less attractive 25 year-old): "Would you be open to a tresemme?"
*I thought she meant shampoo, and before I could respond with a "WTF" (the only suitable response), she made it clear that she simply couldn't spell "threesome," by explaining to me that the kind with 2 girls is better than the one with 2 guys (I never would have guessed).


Weird IM #3 (from an unattractive, yet extremely well endowed blonde): "So, do you like my boobs?"
*This one, I actually responded to...told her I hadn't looked, at which point she informed me that they were real, spectacular (ripping off Seinfeld I believe) and would look great bouncing up and down in my bed. I would have continued the conversation had I not realized just how unattractive the rest of her was.


Weird IM #4 (from a girl I'm convinced was once a guy): "You look like you're well hung...am I right?"
*I couldn't help but wonder how many other guys she had IMd with that and if any of them were desperate enough to respond.


Weird IM #5 (from one that didn't seem so bad at first): "I just saw you at Duane Reade on [insert address here]...you're cute"
*As with #3, I responded...asked her why, if she thought I was cute and just saw me IN REAL LIFE, she wouldn't talk to me and would instead try to find me immediately on the Internet (she didn't have an answer to that question)


Weird IM #6 (I don't have any recollection of who this one was from): "Where do you live. Can I come over?"
*I thought about giving her my friend's address, just as a goof, but ignored it instead.


Not so lucky #7 (this was probably just one of my friends playing a joke on me): "Ur cuuuuuuuute...I want u to hav my babees."
*Putting aside her obvious issues with our language, I decided to focus on the logical issues with this statement. Now, I'm no biology major (despite being a doctor), but I'm pretty sure it's girls that have babies, not boys.


That's all I've got for now. In the coming days, I shall try to dig up some actual funny shit from the "archives." Worst case scenario, I'll go to some dating stories (when online dating is taken into the real world, things can get scary). I've got one that's actually somewhat topical with the upcoming release of the new Harry Potter movie...